https://open.spotify.com/episode/20QaW3tCv1hS0Murci2Gif?si=X0J_aeBCRLSgiHyBnsz4Dw

Subscribe to the Intimate Philosopher on:

Summary

What does it really mean to be “good at sex”?

In this foundational episode of The Intimate Philosopher, Dr. Emma Smith—existential psychotherapist and certified sex therapist—begins with a deceptively simple question she’s asked often: Are you good at sex? What unfolds is not a conversation about technique or performance, but about vulnerability, uncertainty, and the human longing to know we’re not doing intimacy “wrong.”

Rather than offering definitive answers or universal advice, Dr. Emma explores why questions matter more than certainty… especially when it comes to sex, desire, and relationships. She examines how shame, stigma, and cultural silence around sex drive people to seek authority, and why that search for clarity can sometimes pull us away from our own knowing.

This episode lays the philosophical and clinical foundation for the entire podcast. If you want to understand how Dr. Emma thinks about sex, intimacy, authority, and self-trust

—and what kind of conversations this space is designed to hold?

This is the place to start.

In this episode, you’ll hear about:

• Why the question “Are you good at sex?” is rarely about skill
• How uncertainty and vulnerability shape our relationship to intimacy
• The difference between sexual technique and relational alignment
• Why definitive advice can limit curiosity and agency
• How stigma and shame around sex fuel performance anxiety
• An existential, process-oriented approach to sex and relationships
• Why clarity comes from listening inward, not outsourcing authority

Key Takeaways

• Sexual “competence” is relational and contextual, not universal
• Presence, curiosity, and repair matter more than performance
• Feeling uncertain about sex is common—and deeply human
• Cultural shame around sex drives the desire for definitive answers
• Advice can offer relief, but often at the cost of self-trust
• Questions invite agency; absolutes invite compliance
• Intimacy deepens when we stop trying to do it “right”
• The work of understanding desire is ongoing and personal

---

Chapters

00:00 — Opening Question
Are you good at sex? Naming the weight behind the question

03:05 — Vulnerability Beneath Sexual Uncertainty
Why this question is really about reassurance and fear of getting it wrong

06:02 — Why Questions Matter More Than Answers
How curiosity supports self-understanding and intimacy

08:50 — Redefining “Good” Sex
Why context, alignment, and presence matter more than technique

11:54 — Stigma, Shame, and Sexual Silence
How culture creates confusion while demanding performance

15:06 — Advice vs. Lived Experience
The difference between shaping culture and working with real lives

17:48 — Process Over Conclusions
An existential orientation to sex, intimacy, and inner authority

---

The Receipts

Throughout this episode, I reference the difference between culture-shaping sex education and process-oriented, clinical work. I also provide some resources and insight into my training in existential, and phenomenological philosophy. If you love when things get EXTRA nerdy, this section of the show notes is for you!

Culture Shapers

The voices below represent widely respected, high-impact educators who offer clear, directive guidance about sex and relationships at scale. Their work has helped normalize conversations about pleasure, desire, and sexual communication for millions of people.

Mangaldas, L. (Host). (2020–present). Leeza Unscripted [Audio podcast]. Leeza Mangaldas Media. https://www.leeza.co

Morse, E. (Host). (2005–present). Sex with Emily [Audio podcast]. Sex with Emily. https://sexwithemily.com

Savage, D. (Host). (2006–present). Savage Lovecast [Audio podcast]. Savage Productions. https://www.savagelovecast.com

Philosophy

The emphasis in this episode on curiosity, embodiment, and inner authority is also deeply informed by thinkers who locate desire as meaning-making, relational, and embodied knowledge. It’s impossible to post this episode without taking full advantage of the opportunity to provide a deep dive into my first love, philosophy. I think it’s also nearly impossible to understand how I approach my work, if you don’t get this part of me.

Philosophers such as Simone de Beauvoir argued that women’s desires have historically been constrained not by lack of capacity, but by social conditions that reward compliance over self-attunement. From this view, desire is not indulgent—it is a site of existential freedom shaped by context, power, and choice.

Maurice Merleau-Ponty’s phenomenology further grounds this work by insisting that the body is not an object we possess, but the primary way we know and engage the world. Sexuality, intimacy, and pleasure emerge from lived bodily experience—not abstract rules or external evaluations.

Feminist and psychoanalytic thinkers like Jessica Benjamin extended this into relational theory, emphasizing that desire thrives through mutual recognition—being seen as a subject, not an object. When authority becomes rigid or absolute, desire collapses into compliance.

Contemporary feminist philosophers such as Audre Lorde and Sara Ahmed reframed the erotic as a source of knowledge and orientation. Lorde described the erotic as a deeply felt internal compass helping us discern truth, vitality, and integrity. Sara Ahmed (one of my absolute favorites), in Queer Phenomenology, explored how bodies learn what they are allowed to want through cultural and institutional pressures. This book changed the trajectory of my career. I am so grateful to her.

Together, these thinkers support a view of sexuality as something to be listened to instead of something to be mastered. Desire, from this lineage, is information that helps us locate ourselves more honestly in our lives and relationships.

This episode draws from that tradition: resisting prescription, honoring embodiment, and trusting that intimacy deepens when people are supported in hearing themselves rather than conforming to someone else’s certainty.

Ahmed, S. (2006). Queer phenomenology: Orientations, objects, others. Duke University Press.

Benjamin, J. (1988). The bonds of love: Psychoanalysis, feminism, and the problem of domination. Pantheon Books.

Beauvoir, S. de. (2011). The second sex (C. Borde & S. Malovany-Chevallier, Trans.). Vintage Books. (Original work published 1949)

Lorde, A. (2007). Uses of the erotic: The erotic as power. In Sister outsider: Essays and speeches (pp. 53–59). Crossing Press. (Original work published 1978)

Merleau-Ponty, M. (2012). Phenomenology of perception (D. A. Landes, Trans.). Routledge. (Original work published 1945)

Young, I. M. (2005). On female body experience: “Throwing like a girl” and other essays. Oxford University Press.

Technically, Esther Perel could be listed in either category as I think of her just as much as a philosopher as I do as a socio-cultural commentator. However, given that I feel very foundationally or traditionally aligned (that is to say, our traditions align), I have included her in the Philosophpy section.

Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. HarperCollins.

Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity. HarperCollins.